I’m still not ready to put into words the loss we experienced on July 22nd. But, I do need to share where I am a week later. Wow, a week…I’d be 16 weeks today. Unfortunately, not that I needed an email to remind me, today I received an email notification that I must have missed unsubscribing to last week. Not fair; such is life.
Physically, I’m still recovering. Emotionally, I’ll never be the same. I know that this gaping wound will eventually become a scar that is a reminder of the excruciating pain I’m currently feeling. The burning will become a sting and the ache in my soul will never completely cease; only ache less.
I’ve actually surprised myself with the amount of composure I’ve been able to display this week at doctor appointments, visits from friends and family, and my daughter’s 11th birthday party. This woman of strong emotional stability is a stranger to me; but I’m proud of her. I have needed her but I’ve also needed those moments of weakness just as much. Tears in the bathroom, in the shower, in the bed, in my husbands arms, even in an aisle at Hobby Lobby – while the woman on the next aisle squeals with excitement as she gets the exciting news that the woman on her speaker phone is having a girl. Why, Lord?
I keep repeating to myself and others that I know His plan for us is greater than ours. And, I truly believe that…but that doesn’t mean I understand it or even like it right now. My husband has said it best to some of his best friends “We are broken and confused; but we are trusting in Him. I’ll accept this life He is giving us, but I don’t have to like it.” In fact, I’m certain I’ll never understand how we did everything the right way and somehow we ended up with heartbreak. Whilst somehow a drug addict ends up with a healthy baby that the system takes custody of. Only for the addict to go back to their drugs, and somehow end up pregnant again with yet another healthy baby for the system to raise. I promise I’m working through the bitterness; but won’t promise I’ll ever be okay with this fact of life.
Currently finding comfort from the song “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott. The whole song engulfs my broken soul with assurance. Thus, it’s the only song currently in my playlist. “I know You’re good. But this don’t feel good right now. And I know You think of things I could never think about. It’s hard to count it all joy, distracted by the noise. Just trying to make sense of all Your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that You’re God and I am not. So, Thy will be done.”
There is also always comfort to be found in scripture. One of Brian’s best friends sent us this scripture: Isaiah 55:8-9 says “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” I’m clinging tightly to this promise.
To our friends and family – thank you for understanding that no words can fix our broken hearts but please know that your love and support mean so much to us. We are truly blessed with amazing people in our lives and your prayers for us are more than enough.